Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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