And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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