i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
