Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.