My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?