New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
COCAINE IS GR8
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
