You made me cry and you don't even care
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
