Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize