We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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