This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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