I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
BRING THE BAGELS
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
