I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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