his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
