I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
