Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
