Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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