either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
