Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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