You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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