I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
