is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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