so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
