About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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