he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
