Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
