quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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