YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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