u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
