I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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