Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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