she woke up with a sticky ear
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
