you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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