Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
