He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
