Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
