I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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