you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
