My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
