as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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