bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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