boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
