During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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