finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
