Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
