I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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