Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
