You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
