I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
