I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
