I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
