Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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