The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
