He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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