I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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