We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
