areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
