chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
